Putting Things in Perspective

Question: My 8 year old child sounds so selfish when she complains about the fact that she’s missing her gymnastics class. How do I help her see how small this concern is, in the face of everything that’s going on?

This is a good question because you both do and don’t want her to see the big picture. First of all, her gymnastics class is important to her and missing it matters to her. Acknowledge that you understand that gymnastics is important to her and that it is understandable that she is upset about missing it. This may be just about the gymnastics class, but it also may be about a lot of things she is missing. Sometimes one specific example can hold a lot of meaning in that it can represent all the things she is missing but isn’t able to put into words- for example, her school, her friends, going to the park, her life as she knew it, feeling safe, knowing that things will be okay. Talk to her and get a sense of what is most upsetting to her about missing gymnastics. If it is the gymnastics itself, it may be possible to come up with an alternative, like an online sports class. It may also be that she misses how gymnastics makes her feel (i.e. she likes the feeling of learning and mastering something new). By talking to her about what specifically she is missing, it will be easier to come up with an alternative that meets that need. It is also helpful to put it into context for her. Tell her that many people are missing things right now, and make sure she understands that she is not being punished, it is not fair, and it feels bad. Remember that your daughters concern, although small for an adult, is right size for kids. Children worry about day to day things – food, friends, getting to watch T.V. If you think about it, you don’t really want her to understand the enormity of the situation, that people are losing their jobs, getting sick, dying. This is way too overwhelming for a child of 8, it is not helpful to get to the level of nightmares and kids losing parents unless it is actually relevant to your situation. It is helpful for her to understand that there is a pandemic, that some people are sick, that you are all staying home to stay healthy. You can also help her to understand some of the problems other people are facing and come up with ways to help (i.e. making masks, bringing meals to first responders, gathering old toys to give to families in need). By doing something to help, she will feel important and she will also develop understanding and empathy, but at an age appropriate level.

In short, you want to acknowledge her losses, help her to understand that other
people are having a hard time, and show her ways she can help.