Is My Son Mean

Question: “I have been listening in to some of my son’s zoom classes and I was very upset to hear him being mean to some of the other children, making fun of their houses etc. Why is he doing that and what can I do?”

The fact that you are asking this is already a good sign. Sometimes no matter how many times they are told, or what a teacher says, parents want to think the problem is the other child. Being able to be open and honest about your child’s behavior, even if it’s something you don’t like, means that you can help them understand and change behaviors that over the long term can cause problems and unhappiness. There are many things that influence how a child treats others. The first question is whether your child was actually trying to be mean. Children want to feel good, and sometimes they do that by boosting themselves up. It is completely normal for children to measure themselves against others. This can be a positive way for a child to feel good about themselves. When they are younger, they may not be aware that what they are saying may make another child feel bad or embarrassed. If this is what is behind your child’s comments, it is helpful to teach him, pointing out to him that he may be making the other child feel bad. But there may be larger issues at stake. Unhappiness, anxiety and depression are powerful forces that drive ones behavior. An unhappy child, one whose parent’s are totally overwhelmed by the current pandemic, or whose parents are angry, too busy or unavailable because they are working from home, can be “mean” or disdainful to others. If you can find out if something is making your child worried or unhappy, and make a plan to address that, it will go a long way towards helping them not only feel better but act better. For example, if you are working from home for the first time and tell your child to leave the room, which is not how things usually are at home, you can explain that you have to work, but set up specific times that will be all about him. By telling him, in an age appropriate way, what you have to do and that you need his help, you help him understand and give him some control. Teaching your child empathy and respect will set them up for success not only in the workplace but socially as well. How do you teach empathy? You have to help your child to try to see things from a different point of view than their own. Role play with them and use their imagination. Talk them through scenarios and help them imagine what it would be like for them. Put it in terms they can understand. If they complain that someone in their math class is stupid and can never get the answer, tell them to imagine they are in a math class that was taught completely in Spanish. Explain that different children hear things differently. In terms of teaching a child respect, as parents we are powerful examples. A child watches not only how you treat other family members, but also, the delivery person or the checkout person in the grocery. Treat people the way you want your child to.