Dealing with Divorce

Question: “I’m divorced, and my ex-husband and his new wife aren’t nearly as vigilant about social distancing as I am. It’s making me very anxious, and my kids are confused about why they can’t do things at my house that they can do when they visit their father.”

 

How do you help you your children understand different rules and expectations at their father’s than at your home. There are really two issues here, some that are general to divorce and some specific to Covid. Unfortunately, many children of divorce have to balance different sets of expectations and rules as they are shuffled between two households. This is an issue that comes up in many divorced situations. Even if, as parents, you have similar parenting goals, there are logistical matters that effect each household. Sometimes one parent has more money. Sometimes there are step siblings. There may be differences in bedtime, expectations around homework, and what kids are allowed to do (i.e. T.V. on a school night). As a general rule, and a reality that can be very difficult to accept, you do not get to say how a child’s life is structured at your ex’s as long as it falls within a fairly large bell curve of behavior, meaning that the child is not being harmed.

What can you do? You can lead by example, showing them what you think is important and what values matter to you. Even if in the short run it is more fun at Dad’s because you can stay up really late, they will remember and eventually understand why you made the choices you did. Kids are surprisingly adaptable and adept at navigating the waters. The thing that is most difficult for children is when parents get upset, grill them about what’s going on in the other home, make them choose who they prefer, or say bad things about their ex (even if it’s true). This is stressful and hurtful for them because they love their other parent, no matter how you might feel about your ex. When you criticize your ex they have to defend him/her (even if it’s just to themselves). It can cause them to keep secrets because they know it will upset you. If you are lucky, your ex and you can agree on some basic parenting steps. If you can’t, you need to provide a safe, consistent, loving, nonjudgemental environment so that whatever is going on there, they know they can come home to you.

The Covid situation is an important subset of difference in parenting styles. If your ex is not as diligent, but there is not immediate harm, then it is important for you to manage your anxiety so that it doesn’t put your children in the middle. If on the other hand, there are extenuating circumstances which are dangerous, then an intervention may be necessary (for example, if you or your child have a preexisting condition or you have an elderly parent living with you). The first thing to do is to try and talk with your ex and explain your concerns and be very specific in letting them know what you want (could you please have kids wear masks inside stores). I have seen many separated families actually being able to be more collaborative in the current pandemic situation, so that even if talking hasn’t helped in the past, it is worth trying now. You can also talk with your child about their need to be careful. If there is no other alternative, and you are concerned for your child’s safety, you can talk to a lawyer or mediator, or file an emergency appeal in family court. This should be a last resort because it is costly both monetarily but more importantly emotionally, and will be difficult on everyone regardless of the outcome.